I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
