She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
