then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
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