I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
