Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
