i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
