you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
