I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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