I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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