Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
