So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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