grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
