May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
