hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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