Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
