its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
