Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Randomize
