I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
