I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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