Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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