I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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