taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
