They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
there was a trapeze. enough said
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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