I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
