I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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