How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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