He uses pillows to masturbate.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
