No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
Fav 3 1048 608 share tweet
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
