Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
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