I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Randomize
