end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just sent this text using only my big toe
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Randomize
