Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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