my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
