Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
