I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
So many bounce houses so little time
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
