Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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