I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
