By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
