Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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