i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
