He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
