My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
