I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
