I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
