Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
