Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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