I'm pants shitting drunk right now
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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