she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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