My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
