So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
