I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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