4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
actually, I'm a sock model
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
