I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
