Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
