we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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