I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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