Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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