Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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