I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
two words...techno handjob
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
