dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
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