Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
