I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize