Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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